Induction
So, I work in an office environment - a really fucking boring one. In a big corporation in an industry that can't be named because Melbourne is just too frigging small. Melbourne is to the world what Yarraville is to the suburbs - a mini version of real life. Everything in Yarraville is small - the streets, the cars, the dogs, even the Saturday breakfasts - plus they don't know how to poach their eggs but no matter.
After a stint of NEIS-sponsored not-having-to-work-for-the-man-ness I am back working full time as a temp in Widget Pty Ltd.
I fucking hate it.
This company is so large that they have fortnightly induction sessions to deal with the intake of staff (which should give you some indication of what kind of place it is to work in, what with such a high turnover). I am no stranger to training modules - having temped all around the world. I am no stranger to learning - having gone to school for 13 years. To get accepted with this company you have to be pretty experienced and have a high skill set (secretarially speaking) - which is funny because once you make it to induction, they treat you like retarded kids for 3 days to the point where they almost re-teach you how to spell your own name.
Our trainer was stereotypically company fodder. She'd been there for 14 years, had all the lame jokes down pat and spoke about teamwork and shit like that. We were subjected to a powerpoint presentation of an hour which outlined how fucking fantastic Widget Pty Ltd was. We spent a lot of time being taught the firm's 'vision'. This firm, Ms Company Fodder explained, had taken 8 months to come up with their vision and the vision was along the lines of 'to be the leader in the industry'. 8 months. She then asked if we had any questions before lunch. I wanted to ask 'yes I have one - are you fucking joking?' but decided I just couldn't be arsed. (and then later we found out that they were in the process of revising the vision which would take another year - I'm beginning to understand why employees embezzle funds from large companies - they assume that there's too much money in the company if it can employ an entire department to come up with one sentence a year).
After lunch on the first day we got into groups of 2 or 3 to talk about appropriate behaviour in the workplace. This consisted of reading out scenarios from a selection of cards and then discussing whether it was 'above or below the line behaviour'. Par example: 'Gary sometimes wears pink shirts to work. Tom, a colleague, makes a comment one day that Gary might be gay. Steve, the manager, takes Tom aside and explains to him that this comment is not acceptable in the workplace. Is Steve's comment above or below the line behaviour?' To my disappointment, everyone else in the group took this seriously. Other trainees used this example as a springboard to discuss their previous workplaces and after a good 10 minutes, everyone agreed that Steve's comment was appropriate. Except me. Isn't it obvious that Steve's the actual homosexual who uses any and every excuse to take Tom aside and talk to him because he fancies the pants off him? And Gary's not gay - just colourblind. Isn't that obvious? No?
Okay, let's break for some lunch now. You can go and have a walk around the city as the weather's so nice, which is so unlike Melbourne, ha ha ha, and then we'll meet back here at, let's say, 5 past 2 and begin our phone training. Has everyone used a phone before? Good.
After a stint of NEIS-sponsored not-having-to-work-for-the-man-ness I am back working full time as a temp in Widget Pty Ltd.
I fucking hate it.
This company is so large that they have fortnightly induction sessions to deal with the intake of staff (which should give you some indication of what kind of place it is to work in, what with such a high turnover). I am no stranger to training modules - having temped all around the world. I am no stranger to learning - having gone to school for 13 years. To get accepted with this company you have to be pretty experienced and have a high skill set (secretarially speaking) - which is funny because once you make it to induction, they treat you like retarded kids for 3 days to the point where they almost re-teach you how to spell your own name.
Our trainer was stereotypically company fodder. She'd been there for 14 years, had all the lame jokes down pat and spoke about teamwork and shit like that. We were subjected to a powerpoint presentation of an hour which outlined how fucking fantastic Widget Pty Ltd was. We spent a lot of time being taught the firm's 'vision'. This firm, Ms Company Fodder explained, had taken 8 months to come up with their vision and the vision was along the lines of 'to be the leader in the industry'. 8 months. She then asked if we had any questions before lunch. I wanted to ask 'yes I have one - are you fucking joking?' but decided I just couldn't be arsed. (and then later we found out that they were in the process of revising the vision which would take another year - I'm beginning to understand why employees embezzle funds from large companies - they assume that there's too much money in the company if it can employ an entire department to come up with one sentence a year).
After lunch on the first day we got into groups of 2 or 3 to talk about appropriate behaviour in the workplace. This consisted of reading out scenarios from a selection of cards and then discussing whether it was 'above or below the line behaviour'. Par example: 'Gary sometimes wears pink shirts to work. Tom, a colleague, makes a comment one day that Gary might be gay. Steve, the manager, takes Tom aside and explains to him that this comment is not acceptable in the workplace. Is Steve's comment above or below the line behaviour?' To my disappointment, everyone else in the group took this seriously. Other trainees used this example as a springboard to discuss their previous workplaces and after a good 10 minutes, everyone agreed that Steve's comment was appropriate. Except me. Isn't it obvious that Steve's the actual homosexual who uses any and every excuse to take Tom aside and talk to him because he fancies the pants off him? And Gary's not gay - just colourblind. Isn't that obvious? No?
Okay, let's break for some lunch now. You can go and have a walk around the city as the weather's so nice, which is so unlike Melbourne, ha ha ha, and then we'll meet back here at, let's say, 5 past 2 and begin our phone training. Has everyone used a phone before? Good.
posted by belle de dayjob at 5:01 am
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