A few things...

As a float secretary you become accustomed to the small frustrations…having to change your default printer settings on a daily basis, having to blindly hope that the tall guy with glasses who you just handed back work to is the same tall guy with glasses who asked you to do it in the first place. But there are certain consistent occurrences which are the reason your forehead is flat from banging it against the desk and you eyes hurt from rolling constantly upwards.
Here are a few of these:

For external clients:

• Once I have politely explained to you that I am not the usual secretary and that the person they are looking for is on maternity leave and uncontactable, please don’t ask me to give you feedback from a meeting they chaired last month. And after that don't go 'umm' and 'aahhh' in the hope that if you vacillate enough I will change my mind and say 'well seeing as you really want it, let me check my psychic backlog to let you know the outcome of a meeting that I neither planned nor attended.

• Don’t get narky with ME just because YOU can't get hold of the lawyer who is so obviously avoiding your calls. If they're not in their office, then I cannot magic them out of thin air for you. I am not lying when I say they are not around, I don't have access to their calendar but this doesn't mean I am stupid for not knowing where they are RIGHT THIS MINUTE. If you are such an important client, why don’t YOU know where they are?
  
• You would think that I would have access to the calendars of people I am covering for. You would think that, but I don't so don't get annoyed at me.
  
• Yes, I will pass on a message. No, I will not transcribe your 3 minute monologue so prepared to be cut off at 'let her know I called and…'.

For internal staff:

• If you have planned your day off when I am covering for you I would appreciate you not leaving your cup of half drunk coffee from three days ago on the desk. Also please don't lock your drawer and hide the key as if there was something immensely private and personal in there. You really shouldn't keep a vibrator or bank/medical details at work so there is no need to be so secretive.
  
• If I am working in place of your regular secretary please don't assume your regular secretary was organised or smart enough to leave me a handover note and therefore don't look at me in a disappointed fashion if I ask you what the matter number is for a random document you have just thrust at me.
  
• If you tell me to 'call James and let him know I'll be half an hour late' on your way out the door without telling me a) who is James, b) how to contact James or c) when you are meeting James, then don't bitch about me to James when you finally do meet up with him and he hasn't got the message.

These oh-so-simple guidelines will make your life easier and give my poor forehead some respite from laminated desktop.