Mamma Mia!

Just when I began to wonder whether I would continue to have enough material for frequent vitriolic postings on legal life I was assigned to work for an Italian lawyer today.

And Mamma Mia, he even exclaimed 'Mamma Mia!' when expressing frustration at the lack of printing action. Being of a vague mediterranean persuasion myself, I am accustomed to being accused of being a drama queen in situations where, apparently, no drama queenage is required. Believe me, I am NOTHING compared to this particular lawyer.

I sat and watched in utter bemusement as he came out to collect something from the printer to find that it was printing a 400 page document which was queued before his print job. First, he spends 5 minutes walking around asking in general who was printing out the document. Then, he spends another 5 minutes walking around the printer exclaiming in Italian and throwing up his hands. Then, after I suggest he use the other printer that sits 5 feet away, he demurs and continues to walk around the printer while throwing out frustrated Italian phrases. Then he walks away, probably to call someone and complain about the printer (in Italian).

And once the printer stops printing, he emerges from his office...only to discover the printing has stopped due to having run out of paper. Instead of re-filling the tray, he throws up his hands, rolls his eyes and Mamma Mia's his way back to his office.

Though to be fair, the complete inability to refill the printer tray is based on the Y chromosome and is not an Italian trait.

When they say...

The IT Department:

When they say 'we will deliver the laptop that you have booked for a week to your fee earner so you don't have to collect it yourself'

They mean 'We will send both you and your fee earner an email when the laptop is ready stating that it MUST BE COLLECTED AND SIGNED FOR as they do not distribute internally to offices' making you look like an idiot as you have assured your fee earner that the laptop will come to him and not the other way around.

Print Room:

When they say 'you don't need to pre-book with us for an overnight photocopying job'

They mean 'We will not accept the photocopying job you bring to us as you are leaving at 5.29pm because you didn't prebook it like we never told you to so you will just have to work late and finish the job on your crappy little photocopier on your floor and don't come running to us when it runs out of toner right in the middle of your job because you didn't pre-book that either.'

Business Services:

When they say 'Give us your overtime form and we will make sure it reaches payroll in time for the next salary processing date'....well, they actually mean that. What they don't say, or do, is that they will give it directly to Payroll without getting it authorised by HR first so that when it reaches Payroll, it sits there under a pile on someone's desk for 6 weeks and you don't get paid when Business Services said you would get paid - which happens to be in the middle of your holiday in Paris and you are totally screwed.

How to make me hate you

It's really simple.

The week before you leave for a business trip to the US which isn't in your calendar, ask me to order a laptop for you from IT services. Don't tell me why you need it or where you are going, I like wondering about it during the idle hours at my desk. Then, at 5.00pm on the day before you leave, please email me and ask me to procure a US adaptor plug for said laptop. This is also the time that you tell me you are travelling overseas for two weeks. It is also the time that you give me a month's worth of scrunched up taxi receipts and ask me to process them - a task which requires your signature for approval but not before I've spent an hour deciphering your mystery trips to mystery meetings that have never existed in your diary.
Please also ask me gently to hurry up and get that adaptor plug as you are leaving soon and need to take it with you. When I run to the basement of the building to get the plug because the stationery department have all gone home and won't deliver it, please do not thank me as I pass it to you, trying to catch my breath after running up and down 7 flights of stairs.

As a parting gesture, please do not tell any of your clients you are away for two weeks in another country because their exasperated sighs when I have to break the news to them myself is music to my ears.

A few things...

As a float secretary you become accustomed to the small frustrations…having to change your default printer settings on a daily basis, having to blindly hope that the tall guy with glasses who you just handed back work to is the same tall guy with glasses who asked you to do it in the first place. But there are certain consistent occurrences which are the reason your forehead is flat from banging it against the desk and you eyes hurt from rolling constantly upwards.
Here are a few of these:

For external clients:

• Once I have politely explained to you that I am not the usual secretary and that the person they are looking for is on maternity leave and uncontactable, please don’t ask me to give you feedback from a meeting they chaired last month. And after that don't go 'umm' and 'aahhh' in the hope that if you vacillate enough I will change my mind and say 'well seeing as you really want it, let me check my psychic backlog to let you know the outcome of a meeting that I neither planned nor attended.

• Don’t get narky with ME just because YOU can't get hold of the lawyer who is so obviously avoiding your calls. If they're not in their office, then I cannot magic them out of thin air for you. I am not lying when I say they are not around, I don't have access to their calendar but this doesn't mean I am stupid for not knowing where they are RIGHT THIS MINUTE. If you are such an important client, why don’t YOU know where they are?
  
• You would think that I would have access to the calendars of people I am covering for. You would think that, but I don't so don't get annoyed at me.
  
• Yes, I will pass on a message. No, I will not transcribe your 3 minute monologue so prepared to be cut off at 'let her know I called and…'.

For internal staff:

• If you have planned your day off when I am covering for you I would appreciate you not leaving your cup of half drunk coffee from three days ago on the desk. Also please don't lock your drawer and hide the key as if there was something immensely private and personal in there. You really shouldn't keep a vibrator or bank/medical details at work so there is no need to be so secretive.
  
• If I am working in place of your regular secretary please don't assume your regular secretary was organised or smart enough to leave me a handover note and therefore don't look at me in a disappointed fashion if I ask you what the matter number is for a random document you have just thrust at me.
  
• If you tell me to 'call James and let him know I'll be half an hour late' on your way out the door without telling me a) who is James, b) how to contact James or c) when you are meeting James, then don't bitch about me to James when you finally do meet up with him and he hasn't got the message.

These oh-so-simple guidelines will make your life easier and give my poor forehead some respite from laminated desktop.

Riddle me this

Having a reflective session in the staff toilet this afternoon I noticed the sign on the back of the door asking people to leave the cubicle in the same way thaey found it (i.e. use the toilet brush when you've have a curry the night before). Someone has cheekliy framed the sign in bright orange highlighter and added three big exclamation points to it.

Only on leaving did I wonder why anyone would take an orange highlighter into the toilet with them. For company perhaps?

Transmission almost restored

I have been offline a while, not for lack of material but for the time and means to sort my complaints into coherent and amusing ramblings. Almost done. Stay tuned.